Learning to change how the way we’ve managed boundaries or starting to say no to a few things is a whole process and managing ‘pushback’ or resistance from the other person is one of the most tricky parts. ‘No’ may be a complete sentence but if it’s never been natural for us, then the whole process needs to be taken apart so we can successfully manage each part of it.

We need to consider what our underlying story is about setting boundaries and looking after our own needs. Many of us have some level of fear about this. We may worry about being disliked or have an underlying belief that we are good people as long as we are helping others. Our identities can become really wrapped up in ‘patients first’ and asserting our own needs is not something we are taught in medical school.
We also need to think about our real priorities, what else we really need to say yes to, where to begin if it is a new behaviour, our tone of voice, body language and delivery – and what to do if we receive ‘pushback’ from the other person.
In spite of our best delivery, we are going to receive push back, so it’s best to be prepared and even expect that it will happen. Becoming overly focussed on our delivery can even be just a way of trying to avoid pushback or hoping it won’t happen. It will, so best to sit back and wait for it to happen.
Here are 5 types of pushback we can expect:
- Ignoring you. The person pretends not to hear your request and just carries on doing what they want. Just as example, someone carries on scrolling their phone during a consultation.
- Questioning: your colleague asks if you really need to take your annual leave in August school holidays because you don’t have children.
- Defensiveness: one of your juniors regularly fails to check essential blood results. When you ask him to make sure he checks today’s results, he goes off into a long list of reasons why his job is difficult and how you have just made life harder for him!
- Silent treatment: you email your department manager stating that your clinic appointments need to be longer but they don’t reply and start avoiding you – and nothing changes.
- Testing limits: trying to sneak one past you are hoping you won’t notice! You ask someone not to smoke in the non-smoking area of the restaurant and they carry on with the cigarette behind their back.
Many of these are rooted in child-like responses – defensiveness, pretending, sulking, disrespecting your request.
In addition, the delivery of some of these ‘communications’ can be with various styles that can put us on the back foot: aggression, being obnoxious, passive-aggression, rudeness, victim-like (‘poor me!) and so-on.
We can do our very best, grounded, respectful delivery of saying no – but, guess what? Pushback IS going to happen.
Sometimes we can become so bound up in how we say no to make it more effective that we are really putting all our energy into trying to avoid pushback – and the uncomfortable feelings it brings up in us.
Pushback has the potential to leave us feeling afraid, guilty, ashamed and other uncomfortable feelings.
The reality about pushback is:
It WILL happen.
It is the other person’s CHOICE to use that behaviour or manner of communication. It’s not about you!
Pushback doesn’t automatically mean we are bad people or have said something wrong. It is – just – pushback.
Pushback is often rooted in the other person’s emotional response, if they’re disappointed, but they may well come round if given time.
We may well have uncomfortable feelings when pushback occurs – but we still need to stand our ground without getting into self-justification.
Remember: simply repeat your case. By all means, negotiate or collaborate on solutions where there are some to be found and where you have the bandwidth to do so. Reading between the lines, is there any small truth in what the other person is saying?
The bottom line is: pushback can leave us feeling uncomfortable – but other people’s communication style is their choice.
Pushback styles that are unpleasant in their delivery are about them – not you.
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