How to choose what to do with feedback when your inner critic makes it all feel so flipping personal

Negative feedback can sting for the best of us, even when it’s given kindly or constructively. Especially if you have a big inner critic ready to jump in and give you an extra hard time, telling you how the feedback only confirms the terrible truth about you.

I recently received two opposing bits of feedback about me – they landed together over the course of a few days, and it got me thinking further about feedback – and choosing what we do with it.

I’m doing a series of coaching trainings in an international group right now. Recently, someone from the Middle East suggested I might like to vary my tone of voice.

I have a Middlesbrough accent. The feedback felt very personal, even if made in the spirit of being helpful. It felt like an attack on ME– even though I don’t think for a minute, it was intended that way. But for a few days, I was left not liking my voice. My inner critic had me wandering down new alleyways. Do I sound boring? Is my voice monotonous? And if so – what should I do?

The actual ‘charge’ of the feedback itself was fairly neutral – vocal variety does sound more engaging. But my inner critic had been activated and was going around reminding me on a regular basis that I had received this comment and perhaps I should do something about it, like sign up for voice training!

A few days later, I met a Chinese person on Zoom. “Oh my God! Your voice!” she said. It was the first thing she said. “I love it. It is like watching Downton Abbey.”

“Why, thank you,” I said, (as I summoned my butler to bring the tea tray). I felt both delighted and a little shocked and confused. Who am I when I am speaking then? And how can I take charge of how I communicate with two such wildly different sets of reactions?

While this cheered me up immensely, it also reminded me: we get to choose what we do with feedback. 

When feedback stings, try this

1. Notice the inner critic’s voice. What is it actually saying? Write it down if you need to.
2. Separate the feedback from the commentary. What did the person actually say? What did your inner critic add?
3. Ask: Is this feedback useful? Not “is it nice” or “do I like it” – but is it information you can use?
4. Decide what to do with it. Take it on board, file it as interesting but not relevant, or discard it entirely.
5. Don’t let your inner critic use it as evidence. One piece of feedback about vocal variety is not proof that you’re a fraud, unqualified, or don’t belong.

Remember the saying: one person’s meat is another person’s poison.

Or in my case, one person’s “needs work” is another person’s episode of Downton Abbey.

I won’t be stopping being ‘Middlesbrough.’ I might be a bit more conscious about vocal variety – but I might not be either.

And that’s what you’re allowed to do with feedback too.

Medicine is full of negative feedback or suggestions on how to improve. Have you received feedback that was conflicting or that you didn’t agree with? How did you decide what to do? Let me know by replying to this email. I reply to all of my messages.

If this resonates and you’re ready to create rebel confindence for success, you can book a call here – or just use the contact form at the top of this page.

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